pills, social skills, make it there
Jan. 6th, 2006 01:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oiranpills: So I went to the doctor this morning at the ungodly hour of 8 AM (I am rarely awake then, unless I have been up all night, and if I am actually awake, I'm definitely not anywhere but still in bed) to have a mole removed from my cheek and do a "med check" visit. The mole thing is purely cosmetic - it used to be flattish and dark and I thought of it as a "beauty mark," but over time it has lost pigment and is now just a bitty, flesh-toned nubbin that I can easily do without. Also, I have recently learned that Mr. G has "always" hated this mole, even during those years when I was fond of it. Huh. Anyway, it turns out that the insurance company will likely refuse to pay any claim that incorporates two distinct and separate reasons for two visits in one day in the billing codes (a situation which I find confusing and, frankly, unlikely, but there's no reason not to think that everyone is getting stupider and stupider on both an individual and institutional level, and the more I consider this, the more sense the whole inability-to-decipher-double-code scenario makes), so instead of undergoing very minor surgery, I just talked to the doctor about the fact that I'm depressed despite all the pills I take. I did not go into detail because I really don't think it's, um, his business (except, of course, that doctoring/ministering to the sick is his entire business) that I entertain myself with vague and extremely unlikely daydreams of things like "suicide by cop." These are pretty safe deathwishes, really, since I'm just not of the mindset that commits armed robbery, takes hostages, etc., and I don't know what I actually could do that would compel sworn officers of the law to shoot me in the head. It would have to be something so overwhelmingly annoying and vexatious that it would translate as a threat on human life and, as annoying and contrary as I can be, I've yet to drive anyone to the brink of homicide with my acid tongue and disdainful glares. Based on my generalized comments about my feelings of loserishness and corresponding certainty that I lack of relevance or utility in any imaginable scene or setting, he has suggested 1) different pills and 2) church. Pardon my French, but Jesus Christ! While I do believe that having friends right here in town who shared my values and interests would be wonderful, the last place I can seriously believe I'd find such people would be inside a church. He's a nice man, and he really was trying to help, and that brought tears to my eyes, but...but no. Just no. To my alarmed embarassment, he suggested that absolution without any effort on the part of the supplicant might be considered one of the benefits of Christianity as compared to other religious systems. As it so happens, that's probably the aspect of Christian belief that disgusts and upsets me the most. As for trying different pills...at this point, I can't believe that new pills won't eventually stop working, too. As things stand, even if the speed no longer helps me concentrate, I think it still might counteract the weight-gain side effects of the antidepressants, and that's worth dealing with a lot of addiction physical dependency issues IMO.
social skills: I do have friends, I know. However, you're all somewhere that isn't here. For instance, Chuck's girlfriend, Brilliant, was here for a brief visit before returning to Cambridge (the one in the UK). I really adored meeting Brilliant, who is very tiny and cute and appealingly quirky. When she was a very young girl, she developed a serious Jerry Lee Lewis obsession and did finally meet The Killer at age 14 - which, of course, we all pointed out was perhaps a little old for Jerry Lee's taste. She's an expert on British charters and land grants circa 900 AD, albeit to no real purpose. She lived and taught in Japan and speaks Japanese. Additionally, she's a ballerina and teaches at the Royal Acadamy of Dance or whatever it's called - the big, fancy school attached to the big, fancy ballet company, at any rate. I have a nice, big, platonic crush on her. She also seemed to become rather fond of me, so do hope she comes back sooner rather than later. As we said our goodbyes, she complimented me on the length of my legs and, while she's hardly the first person to do so, the fact that she's a dancer somehow makes it more satisfying.
Doctor returned from a month-long tour of places he might do his residency (? or is it internship? you'd think that working in medicine for 20 years would give me some actual knowledge about the whole doctor-making process...). While I'm pleased to have him back here in town, adoring me and buying me drinks, I am impatient for him to find a good girlfriend whom I might approve of. He has met a few women whose behavior (filtered through his perceptions, of course) strikes me as unpleasantly manipulative in a distinctively feminine way. As a person who has always fucked like a man (for want of a better term) the idea that sex = relationship makes me embarassed for anyone trying to work that notion in the real world. I have been trying to find a decent girl for Doctor, but I am much pickier than he is, it seems. Also, the fact that I don't actually know any women is proving problematic.
make it there, make it anywhere, ny, ny, etc. I'm going to be in New York from the 12th through the 18th, and will be ensconced in the East Village at Hotel 17. I have double-checked that the Costume Institute should be open, so I am semi-confident that I'll finally make it inside at some point. If The Slipper Room continues the every-Friday burlesque shows in 2006, I'll be interested in going on the 13th and would welcome any interested companions. Besides filling my heart with glee, the trip is meant to be a research endeavor, though I'll probably fit in at least one yoga class, as well. It's going to be cold, I hope. I have cute, wintery garments that need wearing.
Anyway, if you're interested in meeting up, let me know.
My resolution for this year is to try to respond to comments, perhaps even within a reasonable time frame.
social skills: I do have friends, I know. However, you're all somewhere that isn't here. For instance, Chuck's girlfriend, Brilliant, was here for a brief visit before returning to Cambridge (the one in the UK). I really adored meeting Brilliant, who is very tiny and cute and appealingly quirky. When she was a very young girl, she developed a serious Jerry Lee Lewis obsession and did finally meet The Killer at age 14 - which, of course, we all pointed out was perhaps a little old for Jerry Lee's taste. She's an expert on British charters and land grants circa 900 AD, albeit to no real purpose. She lived and taught in Japan and speaks Japanese. Additionally, she's a ballerina and teaches at the Royal Acadamy of Dance or whatever it's called - the big, fancy school attached to the big, fancy ballet company, at any rate. I have a nice, big, platonic crush on her. She also seemed to become rather fond of me, so do hope she comes back sooner rather than later. As we said our goodbyes, she complimented me on the length of my legs and, while she's hardly the first person to do so, the fact that she's a dancer somehow makes it more satisfying.
Doctor returned from a month-long tour of places he might do his residency (? or is it internship? you'd think that working in medicine for 20 years would give me some actual knowledge about the whole doctor-making process...). While I'm pleased to have him back here in town, adoring me and buying me drinks, I am impatient for him to find a good girlfriend whom I might approve of. He has met a few women whose behavior (filtered through his perceptions, of course) strikes me as unpleasantly manipulative in a distinctively feminine way. As a person who has always fucked like a man (for want of a better term) the idea that sex = relationship makes me embarassed for anyone trying to work that notion in the real world. I have been trying to find a decent girl for Doctor, but I am much pickier than he is, it seems. Also, the fact that I don't actually know any women is proving problematic.
make it there, make it anywhere, ny, ny, etc. I'm going to be in New York from the 12th through the 18th, and will be ensconced in the East Village at Hotel 17. I have double-checked that the Costume Institute should be open, so I am semi-confident that I'll finally make it inside at some point. If The Slipper Room continues the every-Friday burlesque shows in 2006, I'll be interested in going on the 13th and would welcome any interested companions. Besides filling my heart with glee, the trip is meant to be a research endeavor, though I'll probably fit in at least one yoga class, as well. It's going to be cold, I hope. I have cute, wintery garments that need wearing.
Anyway, if you're interested in meeting up, let me know.
My resolution for this year is to try to respond to comments, perhaps even within a reasonable time frame.
