sunshine and trembling

[oiran]

It's a nice day. I sat on the back porch drinking coffee and eating raisin toast with the dog. There's apparently a recording session going on in the backyard stealth studio down the block, the air noisy with birdsong and the highly-processed strains of some sort of chick-singer country-pop. Not my sort of thing at all, but it still sounds better than anything I've heard on the radio in a while. I said I sat "with the dog," but the dog won't sit. The singing makes him nervous. The sound of cars passing our back fence makes him tremble. The dog two yards down, Taz, who lives to bark, was barking, and she must have been saying mean things to or about us. I had to be very stern three times to get the dog to pee, then nervously squat to shit.

The dog weighs 75 lbs. He runs as fast as a greyhound. He has the jaws of a Rottweiller. The petite, fluffy calico cat who likes to leave muddy footprints all across the hood of my car strolled slowly across the yard. I wouldn't have noticed, except the dog was whimpering and cringing. When I looked up, she stopped to smirk at us before continuing her slow, stately, mocking progress.

Because I'm still having a hard time focusing or articulating, I'm going to try another meme. I'm also avoiding vacuuming. I hate the sound of a vacuum. At any rate, this one is taken from ishtar79:

1. What is your favorite Fandom?
   Smallville. Clark and Lex having sex. I'm still dancing with the one I came with, though I do like to read a few others.



2. What fandom crossovers, if any, do you like to see in your fanfic?
   It's not really fandom crossover so much as actor crossover. I like multiple Rosenbaums. I also like Batman, but I'm (obviously) not particularly tied to any form of canon for Bats/SV crossovers.



3. What are your favorite pairings and why?
   Clark/Lex. It's pretty obvious why, isn't it? They're lovely, and they've got such chemistry, and the Hovering Cloud of Blackest Doom that Shadows Their Love makes it especially delicious.


I also read QaF Randy/Gale RPS (damn you, rhiannonhero), due South (mostly cesperanza's stories), and pretty much anything by shrift and runpunkrun, which means I read Hard Core Logo and Sports Night now, as well. I follow authors I like to new fandoms, basically.


4. Which pairing do you prefer to read? Both m/m and femme slash.
   Isn't this the same question? Um, obviously I enjoy the m/m. I'd love to read some good f/f fic, but I haven't come across a pairing I actually care about reading. I don't believe in Chloe/Lana. I don't believe Buffy/Faith (because I can't see Buffy going there, though certainly Faith would). There's probably good fic in both those pairings, but I'm just not able to suspend disbelief long enough to read it. Hey--is there any Faith/Drusilla out there? I could see that, maybe.



5. At Hogwarts or post Hogwarts?
   Huh? Completely removed from Hogwarts. There are actually fandoms without magic academies anywhere on the map.



6. What professions do you like to see your pair in and which do you hate?
   Um, Clark is a reporter and then he's Superman. Lex is suave and sexy and rich and also eventually evil. That's just how they are. I would not like to see them selling Amway.



7. What kinks do you like to see in fics?
   I always find this question a little confusing. What I consider my "kinks" are not kinky at all. I go through phases where I want to spend more time and focus considering some "ordinary" aspect of sex in more detail. Lately, it's mouths: kissing, licking, biting, sucking. How it feels to have a cock in your mouth, the weight on your lip and tongue; how you could bite, and how you can transfer your awareness of that power without actually having to bite. How it must feel from the other side. Tastes of various body parts, of skin and fluids. That's right now. I really haven't ever gotten to the point of wanting to see very specific costumes or play with specific toys or the like.
   
   I do like power plays, though. But I don't like to see them formalized; it strikes me as incredibly silly when people play at master/slave games and wear fetishy costumes specific to those roles. I much prefer something to develop organically and to exist in that moment.



8. What totally squicks you?
   I don't know. Child rape, I suppose. However, horrible as it is, I bet someone could write that well enough that I'd read it anyway. Clumsy writing totally squicks me. Boring sex scenes totally squick me.



9. Are you a happy ending person?
   When it's appropriate to a story, of course I want a happy ending. But what I want is the ending that is appropriate--even better if it wasn't what I expected, but is still absolutely right. There are a few pieces of otherwise fantastic fanfic that I think were pretty much nullified by inappropriately happy endings.



10. Hurt/comfort, angst, romance, AU. What is your favorite category/type of fic?
    I like well-written fic with characterization that is both true-to-canon and internally consistent; that is my favorite type of fic. I don't give a shit what category it falls into. Peeve: However, if it's got a character death warning, I usually won't read it because I'm so annoyed that they've given away the story.



11. Describe the ultimate fic, how it makes you feel, what it must have, etc.
    See above.

Identity crisis: I have just received an e-mail--from someone who is very likely in no mood to flatter me--disabusing me of the notion that I am operating in an out-of-the-way corner of fandom. The dreaded BNF sobriquet was applied. Part of me is going "Yay! People know I exist!" and the other part is going, "But they hate me!"

I am curious: Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in? Because part of me is perfectly well aware that I must be somewhat known in SV fandom if only measured by the number of comments I have been known to receive to posts here, but at the same time I feel dreadfully isolated. I think, 'Well, if I'm such a big deal, how come I'm not having more fun with it?' That's a rhetorical question.

Comments

[dolimir-k.livejournal.com]

Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in?

Errrr

*raises hand*

See, I'm not on any Smallville discussion list. I am only on LJ. So I don't know have any idea if people consider me in the fandom or not.

People tell me that they've read about my stories, but I have no idea where. LOL!

I always say that I'm just floating on the fringes. So, hey, you're in good company. *g*

[dolimir-k.livejournal.com]

Okay, good company sounds sort of conceited, doesn't it? Let's just say you have company. *g*

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

Hee! I get digests to a couple of lists in my mail box, but I don't participate, and nothing seems to really happen there anyway. If there are active SV lists where really meaty discussion takes place, I am unaware of them. So, naturally, I assume that there are such lists, and I'm just not cool enough to be invited to play.

Based on what I see on LJ, I would think you were better known than me. However, there's no way to tell if that is the case or not. Maybe if there were a way to quantify, I'd stop fretting.

My best fannish buddy is the ridiculously popular Rhi, and I share a birthday with ridiculously popular Thamiris. I am operating from a skewed perspective, perhaps ;)

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

I would not like to see them selling Amway.

Don't tempt me.


Oh, and noone ever thinks they are a BNF. I don't and yet people say I am and it makes me insane!!!!!!! (note the exclamation points) It is flattering and horrifying at the same time and it leads to nothing but trouble. :(

As for where I fit into this fandom, yes, I'm re-evaluating that to a huge extreme right now. I'm realizing that, despite my best efforts, Smallville fandom as a whole has become very tainted for me and I get little to no pleasure out of imagining writing in it because of all the other emotional baggage that I can't seem to shake. If I were the person I dream of being then maybe that wouldn't be a problem. But I'm not. And this last thing seems to have broken my spirit. Enough said.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

Lex would totally be at the Diamond level. Clark would end up having to buy tons of his own detergent just to avoid having to submit to pep talks.

I feel at an odd place with fandom. I still love SV, still have lots of ideas (probably more now than ever before), but I'm watching the people I've been closest to move on. And the BNF thing is weird, since the majority of the acknowledged BNFs of SV fandom haven't been involved in a year or more. I think I'm showing admirable restraint in not putting up a "Am I a BNF?" poll, though certainly I could get my very own wank that way...

And, yeah, you are a BNF. In fact, my comparing my relative popularity to yours is what keeps me thinking I'm puttering in the dark.

[mei-x.livejournal.com]

Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in?

Oh definitely. I'm mostly a consumer in fandom though, so I don't generally have high expectations. Plus, I don't like being confronted by how I'm perceived, because it's usually in such odds with how I perceive myself.

Good fandom meme, BTW -- it's apparently still very meme-y out in LJ-land, so I think I'll take a crack at it.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

But you're a very well-known consumer, I think. You're always a thoughtful, interesting and entertaining poster. You're clearly very intelligent. You're nice, and you're kind. All good things. And then you're that way in person, and you're pretty, besides ;)

The people I knew first in SV are all "consumers" first and foremost. I would never have discovered fanfic at all, much less written any, had it not been for avid consumers extolling the virtues of a couple of stories. Would you agree that people typically discover fandoms through the consumers, not the producers? That's been my experience, anyway.

It's been a memeish day or two, definitely.

be watching your mailbox for a package

[thistle90.livejournal.com]

I love cats that mock dogs. Appoligies to your dog.

Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in? Because part of me is perfectly well aware that I must be somewhat known in SV fandom if only measured by the number of comments I have been known to receive to posts here, but at the same time I feel dreadfully isolated.

People's places in the fandom. My place in the fandom. Yes, these are things that I think about as I work my way into this community. How can we avoid it?

My own spot is on the fringe because a)I'm brand new (it occurs to me that today is the end of my 3rd month on LJ and being active in this fandom) and b) I don't write. This is a no-pressure spot, so it's a pretty easy place to be, but I still worry quite often about what people here think of me, and sometimes I think it would be fun (but scary!) to be more the center of attention.

I think of you as a 'Medium-Large Named Fan'. Not quite big. Does that clarify things? *g*

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

I have omega dog. Run-and-hide dog. Eek-a-squirrel! dog. He's very devoted to me, unless there's a threat, in which case he cowers or runs, depending on the accessibility of avenues of escape.

Fandom pressure: I don't feel pressure from outside. I apparently reached my peak story-wise some time back with a story I like but don't love, so I've long been feeling the freedom of being a has-been anyway ;) I am disliked or ignored by many of the "right" people, so I've got some freedom there, too.

I don't want popularity as much as I want to feel understood. I get more of that now than I've ever received in my life prior to fandom, so I'm pretty happy about that. It's not so much the degree of infamy that I fret about, but the essential inability to quantify it--but that's a factor throughout my entire life, not just fandom. Fandom, however, provides me with a venue for doing my fretting ;)

Heh. I could see the Medium-Large designation as more realistic than Big.

[justblue0162.livejournal.com]

Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in?

Not in SV so much, because I know I'm nobody, and that's fine. In Firefly, yes. I wonder all the time. As far as I know, the group I chat with daily is the core of Firefly slash. Does my name mean anything to anybody outside of that group? Not so much. You know what? That's fine too. We have a good time and the fandom is small (the slash side anyway), we're all just ridiculously happy to have each other. It's disgusting :)

There are BNF's who have written Firefly (debchan, shrift), but I'm not sure that's the same thing as being actively involved in the fandom on a daily basis. I'm also not sure I'm making any sense here. The BNF concept has always confused me a little. I recognize there are big names, but the mechanism that gets you there is a bit fuzzy to me. So. I shall now shut up and go back to slacking off at work.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

Not in SV so much, because I know I'm nobody, and that's fine.

But, seriously: how do you know that? Because I could make a few points counter to that assertion. And while I might be wrong, how on earth would you prove it to me?

Watched more Firefly last night. I am enjoying it very, very much, but also getting annoyed at the realization that some of the arcs being set up are likely not going to get any resolution before the series ends. My annoyance is definitely at FOX. Stupid network. Still, I find it rather amusing that Joss makes each new series yet that much more set/costume/effects-intensive, pretty much dooming them to a form of failure.

[ishtar79.livejournal.com]

Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in?

Well, not especially. I'm one of the unknown, common people, and given that I don't write (well, not well at any rate) and am unlikely to spontaneously develop creative skills, I'm ok with the fact I mostly interact with people on my flist.

And as far as I know, I've made no ennemies...ironic, because in RL, I often manage to piss of people. I guess the medium of the Internet allows me to censor what I say, and not put my foot in it quite so often.

Mostly, I'm just here for the smut. :P

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

And as far as I know, I've made no ennemies...ironic, because in RL, I often manage to piss of people.

*laughs*

Oh the irony! In real life? I never piss people off. I'm serious, like no one ever gets really pissed at me in RL. However, online I'm not nearly so lucky. Ironic, indeed.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

Well, I probably should have been able to figure this out on my own, but, yeah, being a reader and not a writer in a fandom makes a huge difference. While, as I said to mei_x above, I think the enthusiastic "consumers" are the real gateway to a fandom, it is also very easy to be a consumer and not necessarily do much except enjoy what's produced. I don't talk to anyone about Sports Night or Hard Core Logo, and I wouldn't expect anyone to know that I was interested, either.

I have definitely invested of myself in SV.

I find it odd that I can be very specific in fiction but have a hard time articulating my own strong feelings. I've made stupid mistakes, many of which have had to do with my perception of a small, intimate audience. I feel that I have been occasionally misunderstood in dramatic ways--looking a lot more calculating than I am, or, conversely, much stupider. I don't know that I have outright enemies but there are people who dislike me and I'll likely never know why. And it's the not knowing why that bugs me, not the fact of being disliked.

Aren't we all here for the smut? ;)

[timian.livejournal.com]

My own definition of BNF revolves around their inaccessibility. While Rhi is most definitely as (or even more) popular/well known than most other BNFs, she's not at all standoffish or above it all. She readily gives her opinion, but doesn't make pronouncements. I think she's a BNF but doesn't seem to know it or act appropriately. lol

All of that's similar to how I view your standing in the fandom. (Like I have any qualifications to even make that observation, but whatever.) You're erudite, a gifted writer, make remarkable observations, but you don't have that BNF 'tude. (And, without naming any names, there are certainly those who do.) I suppose the one overriding quality of a true BNF is how aware they seem of their standing and importance. You strike me as far too introspective and too much of an individualist to ever be a real BNF, regardless of your infamy. lol

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

I was surprised when I entered fandom at how fucking bitchy and exclusive people could be, and how incredibly rude, safe in their little bubbles. At the same time, others were welcoming and interactive. The first people I remember having on my friends list were ingrid_m (under her old name), mei_x, and thamiris. Ingrid and Mei friended me first, which was a huge surprise. Tham was the first person I'd gone out to find who friended me back. They all wear haloes in my mind.

(trivia: Rhi actually waited to add me to her list until Jacyn made her do it. Heh.)

I would love to feel that I if I am, in fact, known in fandom, it's because I am NICE to people and entertain/interest them in some way, not because I have somehow made myself special through being nasty and rude. I've never been able to figure out how that works; if I could, I'd have the cure for high school.

So, not only are your compliments, well, complimentary, but they're exactly how I'd hope to be perceived.

BTW, why are you not on my mailing list? Do you not wish for presents?

[twigged.livejournal.com]

lexualhealing just asked basically the same thing a week or two ago after someone called her a BNF in chat and there were some interesting responses about how exactly one "gets there".

Me, I think if you're around long enough, people know your name because you actively participate (write well, make pretty art, post thoughtfully), and have an ever growing friends list, someone's eventually going to call you that.

You write VERY well. Kyoto Song gets the most play because it was the first fic where you really blew people away, so it sticks in people's memories. That's not to say subsequent fics haven't been just as impressive, because I can think of several other of your fics that unquestionably put you in the top tier of SV writers, talent-wise. Plus, the pretty art, the pretty web design, the pretty thoughts. *loves jed*

I also tend to think that once the BNF'dom is established, it's pretty static, i.e. why we still think of Jenn and Te and others as our BNF's even though they haven't done anything in ages. Also why it's so hard to know when others "arrive". You're certainly as well known and respected as anyone active in SV fandom at the moment. Perhaps not as well known as Tham, for example, since you used her name above, but then, she's written in many other fandoms, hasn't she?

Anyway, like I told Lexual, someone called me a BNF in chat a few weeks ago, and it threw me (hard) for about two seconds and then I shrugged it off. It's just a function of being around awhile and being visible, IMO. And, like Rhi said above, nothing good can come of it. To be clear, I don't think I am IN ANY WAY a BNF. *You* on the other hand, are skirting dangerously close...

/pessimistic naval gazing (of yours and mine!)

[twigged.livejournal.com]

Er... the point I meant to make about Lexual's post is that the standard for "getting there" has changed. LJ has dramatically evened the playing field, so that anyone, really, can find themselves tagged BNF.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

I also tend to think that once the BNF'dom is established, it's pretty static

As I think you know, I don't feel this way, and I'm confused by it. By the time I discovered fanfic, Te was long gone, and Jenn was phasing out of SV. For all I know, they're doing amazing things in other fandoms, but neither has done much interesting in SV in...a couple years, maybe? So, no, I don't think of them as currently being SV's BNFs, much less the BNFs. And, frankly, I think there's been better stuff to come from other writers in those couple of years.

I could list "my" BNFs, but it wouldn't make any difference in the general fandom perception and it seems likely to cause trouble.

I think it surprised me because it's weird to be told that I was one, and that I was being a bit disingenuous in pretending I wasn't. I really don't know how to assess that. If I could set the definition, I'd love to be a BNF, bestowing the happy and inclusive whereever I go, etc., etc., but that's not what it means to anyone, at least not currently. You know, I'd like to be influential, but I'd want to use my, er, powers for good.

And, for the record, I do love Kyoto Song ;)

I owe you email. I'll try to get to that tonight, 'kay?

[deadlychameleon.livejournal.com]

I am curious: Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in?

Occasionally. I've been in fandom for closing in on 7 years (with varying degrees of interest during that time), but a lot of that was lurking and selectively chatting with people. I can count on one hand the number of fic related mailing lists I've ever been on, and I hadn't posted that much fic until about two years ago. I still haven't posted much fic, really. I was happy shocked to see myelf mentioned on the SVroundtable community. So while I think of myself as a bitter old fic queen, it's mostly as a fan rather than a writer.

-Silverkyst

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

SV is my first fandom, or at least the first one that I understood to be a fandom. Before that, I just really, really didn't want to miss an episode of The Sopranos.

I just find it frustrating (and amusing, and typical, and human, and absolutely ordinary) that I can feel like an outsider, while others might see me as some sort of quasi-elite (pleasant or unpleasant as it may be). While I think the person who basically told me I was a BNF and should just suck it up was wrong, I'm obviously wrong, too ;P

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

I am curious: Do the rest of you wonder (constantly, or nearly so) where, if anywhere, you fit in?

hmmm - not really, but sort of? that is to say that I am pretty comfortably sure where I fit in: I'm a writer. I will never be a BNF and this doesn't bother me.

I don't do meta, I tried a few times but really wasn't coherent enough, so I don't think anyone read it. *g*

I don't do art or run an archive, and I am not on any lists.

I write.

But the thing I do seem obsess on is where my STORIES fit in. I have been known to google my story titles to see if I can find anyone reccing them (yes, I am aware that this is a sad sad habit.) ;-)

I count my feedbacks. I save them. I go over them when I am depressed.

I wonder why people I consider friends don't rec me when people I barely know do, (You know that idea that people only rec their friends? This has almost never happened to me, to the point that when a friend DOES rec one of my stories I am convinced it must be better than average! *g*)

I hate feeling like the thing I am best known for is not finishing things - but hey, I'm working on that.

Anyway - I do have fun. I hope to keep having fun. and I try not to obsess too much on what other people think of my writing. *g*

I also don't use the BNF title when thinking about the people I know in fandom - I don't think of you that way. There are people who I like and respect and I go with that. As far as I am aware, some of them don't like each other, but I don't know the details and really don't much care. I like them. I read them. A few of them even know who I am *g*.

So I think I have lost the point of this comment (remember why I don't do meta) but you are someone I enjoy reading and exchanging comments with and I am glad you are still into SV and still writing. *g*

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

I will never be a BNF and this doesn't bother me.

Well, I don't want to be one, I don't think, since it seems to usually mean "someone I don't like."

I found it very amusing when someone referred to some squeeing of mine as "meta." I do some manips I really like and so I'm happy when others like them, too. I love to write, and I love when I write something that I like--and it's even better when others like it, too.

When I'm not being a depressoid, I have a big personality. I am boisterous and enthusiastic and sexy and compelling when I am not full of self-loathing. I think some of this comes through here, and I'm glad when people like who I am. That probably sounds egomaniacal and maybe it is ;)

I have been known to google my story titles to see if I can find anyone reccing them (yes, I am aware that this is a sad sad habit.)

One which we share.

I also don't use the BNF title when thinking about the people I know in fandom

I don't really do so, either--at least not for the people I interact with and like. So--as above--maybe that's part of why I was surprised/bothered by being called one. It's not fair for my to assume that the person who called me this uses my definition, but if she does, then she thinks I kind of suck. Heh.

I wonder why people I consider friends don't rec me when people I barely know do

I don't know about your methods, but typically I have my friends beta, and I think often they feel peculiar about reccing something they've betaed. I know that sometimes I do feel odd about it--like my opinion will be discounted because of the association. Of course, I tend to like the stories my friends write, since usually that's how we became friends--because we liked each other's writing.

you are someone I enjoy reading and exchanging comments with and I am glad you are still into SV and still writing.

I'm going to offer you a gracious "ditto!" to this. Thank you!

[isagel.livejournal.com]

I had never heard the term BNF before I went into lj land, and since I had an established way of thinking about fandom long before that, I don't tend to use it. To me, there are people who get acclaim for their work (be it writing or manipping or meta or list moderation, or whatever), and people who do their work in obscurity. Often the ones who get most acclaim are the ones who have the greatest talent, but sometimes they're not. But then, what I see as talent may not fit other people's tastes at all. The BNF concept has always confused me, because I tend to look at fiction on a story to story basis. I am quite willing to say, "This story by writer X is one of the greatest things ever written, but most of her work makes no sense." What matters to me is the quality of the individual works of literature; I don't believe in the idea of "this is a story by writer X, whom everyone knows is a great writer - hence it must be extraordinary". I let every story speak for itself, and that makes the BNF concept redundant.

I don't tend to wonder if I'm a BNF (though I definitely wouldn't say I am), but what people think of my writing. Have they heard of it? Do they like it? Do they think it's ridiculous? I don't care so much whether people have heard of *me*, but it would make me very happy if I managed to write a story that years later is concidered a classic in the fandom. Often it seems to me that what being a BNF really means is that your work is praised because of who you are rather than because of its own merits - the persona of the writer overshadows the text. So to the question of whether you, Jed, are a BNF, I would say that I don't know. What I do know is that you have written some incredible stories that are amazing enough to speak for themselves, to touch me deeply regardless of what writer-name stands at the top of the page. I happen to know you and love you as a person, but I also love most of your stories as something separate from you. It has no bearing what your status may or may not be.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

(My computer had a complete meltdown last time I was writing this reply...it's the BNF Curse!!!!!)

I had never heard the term BNF before I went into lj land

Me, neither. Of course, I didn't know what an LJ was, either. People would talk about it on TWoP, but I thought it was had to be another new GAYLE category. When I first heard about BNFs, I thought it was completely bizarre and expressed surprise that anyone would even use such a term. It just never seemed like a nice thing to call someone.

I'm using the word "nice" a lot in these replies. I'd never noticed how much emphasis I put on niceness before...

What matters to me is the quality of the individual works of literature

Yes. Which means that Author X might always write great stories, but you still have to read and evaluate them for that to be a fact. And, maybe, Author X doesn't always write great stories.

I don't care so much whether people have heard of *me*, but it would make me very happy if I managed to write a story that years later is concidered a classic in the fandom.

Me, too. I want to be a writer, not a BNF. The BNF designation seems to be about social politics rather than anything specific to fandom or writing or art. Like I said, I don't think it's supposed to be a nice thing to call someone.

you have written some incredible stories that are amazing enough to speak for themselves, to touch me deeply regardless of what writer-name stands at the top of the page

Which is why I am going to marry you, even if only symbolically, you pocket-sized peoplette, you ;)

[missu.livejournal.com]

I loved reading this thread, the different takes on fandom , friending and BNF's. I, (like my country *g*) am somewhere in the fringes of fandom. I'm usually clueless about the inner workings of different cliques, and have only an uncomfortable inkling that there's probably a lot more going on that I can read from LJ.

And then, when I'm *not* so neurotic, I just appreciate that some people do actually have me friended and have fun with fandom. But yeah, sometimes I think "why I'm not friended (by person X)?, Am I in some shit list or have they even heard of me?". Navel gazing, how do I love thee... I'd been such a lurker for so many years that it's still a bit surprising to me to be relatively active in Smallville fandom. LJ is of course a huge part of that. I just have this (possibly wrong) assumption that AIM and chats are the *thing* where all the "inside" stuff happens. And since I'm even more neurotic about that than LJ friending, let's save that to another post. g*

And wow, this turned out to be a real confession. Heh.

(You're on *my* BNF list. But don't worry, my BNF standards don't have negative vibes. *g*)

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

One of the things I have loved about LJ is accessibility...and one of the things I was disappointed by is the efforts people make to pointedly become inaccessible or to deliberately snub people.

Someone who shall remain unnamed informed me that I had to "prove" myself within fandom in order to have certain people acknowledge me/respond to my posts. At that point, the "proof" required seemed to be some sort of obsequious obeyance rather than any actual fandom-related activity. I'm not playing that game, and when it becomes clear that other people are, I find myself less eager to know them.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that "everything" happens on AIM and in other chat venues, and I am also very neurotic about chatting. I've chatted twice with people I didn't already know really, really well...and it was peculiar. I didn't feel like I knew them better afterward. I am also unnerved by the odd AIM etiquette - how people just disappear in the middle of conversations. When I know someone well, I'm less paranoid about it, but when I'm basically talking to a void and it's someone I don't know well...

Gah. I'm a fussy old woman who wants people to at least pretend to be friendly. And, you know, it seems odd to me because I actually don't like people generally. As a whole, the entire category of "people" does not rank among my favorite animals. And everything I say on the subject is making someone else incredibly pissed, or at least causing them to roll their eyes and say, "Oh, god! Her again!"

[swanswan.livejournal.com]

GOOD POST! I loved reading the responses. Belly-button-gazing yay! (I can't remember how to spell naval/navel and they both look wrong)

The whole thing about fandom experiences and status is making me feel really *simple* though, because I really don't think much about it at all. I'm comfy where I am, I spose. I remember it feeling important when I first joined, and I would give little leaps of joy whenever someone friended me back, but somewhere along the way I just got totally satisfied with what I had, which was instant access to the people that *I* had decided mattered. God, that was so cool.

And I totally pronounced the death of the BNF a coupla months back. (You may have missed it, as I'm no BNF meself) I would be interested to hear who yours are, though. Mine are or were the standard list, and the majority of those guys have moved on to other fields now. At the same time, there are *mad* influxes of newbies these days. I'm getting friended all the time by people who have only just set up LJs, and it's cool. I instituted a friend-back-all policy based on you, and I'm so glad I did, because I've seen some great stuff because of it.

Ha - I do get my moments of star-struck awe though, still. I got mail from cesperanza recently. Eeee! Fangirl! I was like OMG! WOW! Hee - and it was just feedback response! Bwah!

I can't really give you a clear impression of how the fandom at large would perceive you, because you've been so integral to *my* fandom experience. If you weren't around, my fandom would spin out of alignment, and I guess that that is the ultimate BNF definition, really.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

It's navel. And, you know, I've got a question: All the navel tongue-fucking that happens in fic? Do people really like that? It's annoying and ticklish, IMO.

I am a fretful girl, and this is certainly something I fret about from time to time, but I don't really dwell...and then in my e-mail exchange with Wendi (since she's posted here about it, I guess I feel okay about saying it was her) when she called me a BNF and told me to suck it up and stop playing coy (and it had a context), I was surprised because I don't feel influential or important or in-the-loop in terms of fannish things. I don't want to be a "BNF," but I do want people to like my writing. I want people to want to interact with me--me being me. I want to send people CDs and meet them when I go to their cities. But I don't want people to be afraid of me, or hurt by my actions, or to wonder why I never respond to their comments. And *that* is the kind of thing I associate with BNF-dom.

But if Wendi's correct and I do have some influence, I'd much rather be known as someone who is welcoming to newcomers instead of the girl who can't get over being snubbed by the "old guard." Even though I kind of am that girl, too.

And, as I said to Wendi, I really thought that if people responded to anything in this post, it would be to talk about blowjobs ;)