how did I get here?

[oiran]

smallcondo posted her slash discovery story in partial response to scribblinlenore's incredible patience with her stupid quasi-newbie quasi-flamer here. You know, Lenore mentions that this person has some sort of biz-related signature block, so presumably she's an employed adult, but she sure as hell reads like an idiot child. I would have ignored her. Lenore is a nicer lady than me.

It did get me thinking, though, about when all the pieces fell into place for me. It's not just finding slash fanfic, but finding fandom, and finding out that I'm actually a kind of pervert that is pretty common, though I may be just a bit more vocal about it. I'm pretty sure I've posted this stuff in the past, but I do love to hear myself type, so I'm posting yet another version of the How I Found Slash story.

Realizing you always knew about slash by the time you discovered it:

Years and years ago--maybe 10 or so--I heard about slash in the context of Kirk/Spock, which seemed laughable to me at the time. I watched the show when it first aired. I was a toddler, really, and I had rudimentary crushes on both Kirk and Spock. I wanted a big hairdo and a filmy outfit so that I could attract Federation spacemen, and I had proto-sexual fantasies about my future with Spock and Kirk at either hand, Speed Racer picking up their slack, and Jack Wild being my secret love. And they could kiss each other, too. I was okay with that, totally. But you understand, perhaps, why I thought the idea of Kirk/Spock without a /jed/ component was ludicrous. I also was under the impression that this was just some crazy Trekkie thing; it was not at all clear that the phenomenon crossed over into other shows. It even came back to mind for me because at about the same time as I started being interested in Smallville, there was this crazy Klingon-speaking lady in full Klingon garb who I would always run into at fabric stories or bead stores, and she always wanted to talk to me and tell me how to say random shit in Klingon. I remembered about the Kirk/Spock stuff and was tempted to ask her about it, but then I thought she'd think we were friends and she'd plague me forever and ever, amen.

Is the word "fandom" even in the dictionary? I'd never heard it, and I didn't really understand what people meant when they used the phrase. I was active on the TWoP Sopranos board, as well as a few intense months of mocking Trading Spaces before I was led by a fellow Sopranos forum members' link to something Smallvillian. I was watching the show halfheartedly (pretty, but mostly dumb was my S1 conclusion) until I started reading recaps. The recaps were so hysterical, and then the forums were hysterical. Everyone seemed so smart, which I hadn't expected because, well, the show is…lacking sometimes. I was actually more intimidated by the Smallville posters--the in-jokes and camaraderie--than I was at the other forums, so I lurked awhile before posting. I just played in the general, actor and episode threads for months. I didn't even know there was a fanfic thread; I didn't explore, didn't even realize I could because I was so, well, richly rewarded right where I was. I was introduced the "fandom" concept there, and I actually did think that the TWoP boards were IT; that those threads and posters were all that there was to Smallville fandom.

If you know those boards, you know that there were GAYLE awards given out for the GAYest Look of the Episode and about 20 other silly acronyms. I started seeing references to LJ and actually thought it was just another of the myriad GAYLEs, though I was confused by the references to "my LJ" instead of just LJ.

So, so slow on the uptake…did anyone suspect how dimly my bulb shines? I finally followed a link from TWoP to an LJ post. I really don't remember whose it was or what it was--story, meta, whatever--because I found the LJ interface too confusing to follow. I didn't understand what I was looking at, especially since I was so used to the forums and the strict TWoP thread-starting rules (scary and unspoken as they are).

Months and months go by. I then found the fanfic thread at TWoP (yes, this is a long story--you don't have to read it, you know) and a link to a story on SSA. I have massive issues with the story, and I did at the time, but it is PORN, and it's yummy in that aspect, and I was rather gobsmacked afterward. I mean, WOW: a girl wrote porn about guys for (mostly) other girls. And it's just right there for anyone to read, for free. And then I figured out that there were literally hundreds of stories on the archive, and that most authors had their own websites, too, and I gorged myself until my skin buzzed and I walked around with a dazed expression and shaky hands for about a week.

My real-life hag behavior, my past history of writing original fic about a thinly-veiled me having filthy sex with two guys at the same time, my love of girlie-looking guys, my own usually-hopeless interest in other women, and my habit of trying to get same-gendered people to kiss when I'm drunk stopped seeming random or quirky and began to seem like a solid kink (above and beyond "I'm bisexual"), especially when I had evidence of so many other women thinking/feeling/behaving close to the same. Solid in the sense of defined, with parameters and other adherents. Solid in the sense, perhaps, of defensibly "normal" behavior. Yay! If I'm a freak, I can point to a few hundred others…and after a little time, it turns into a few thousand others in all slashy fandoms, who are all as freaky as me. And happy and harmless.

Aside: In case it isn't obvious, I've always been fascinated with porn and the sex industry, though I've never worked in the industry in any capacity. I think I like the sociological aspects as much or more than the actual products, per se. Though, for the record, the various "rabbit" toys of the world are a lot of fun. And no, that's not why Rhi calls me Rabbit, although maybe now it is.

So, backtrack: I wanted an LJ because it seemed like that was where SV fandom was emigrating to, though I wasn't sure what I'd do with it. It didn't occur to me to ask anyone for a code. I didn't think I knew anyone well enough for them to offer one if I asked, and I didn't want to feel like a tool, so I ended up buying myself some LJ time. And now here I am.

I don't know that I make it clear often enough, but fandom, slash, and Smallville have changed my life for the better. If being part of this means that I have to disagree or even quarrel with people from time to time, get my feelings hurt, or unintentionally hurt others, it's always worth it to try to smooth things out because this *vague, hand-waving, all-encompassing gesture* is worth it.

~~~

Rhea County: I am glad there seems to be good news coming from this far corner of the state that I now call home. I am not a native, and I have only mean things to say about here vs. the Far Superior State I Grew Up In when stuff like this happens. But it's not like that everywhere here, really. I'm even liking it most days, though I'm holding onto a foolish belief that Rhi will come back from Seattle in complete agreement that it is a better place in every possible way. She totally won't think that; this is her home, just like that is mine.

Yaoi: These online storage people are morons. They have my money. I just want to see Ai no Kusabi, dammit! Okay, so now my account is activated. Now I am just at the mercy of another fan's schedule and her understanding of the importance of my getting the porn as soon as possible. I am crossing my fingers...

ETA: Oh, and I forgot this: I just wanted to say, in light of a few discussions re: characterization I've had lately, I reread my own story, Biological Imperative, which admittedly was just a longish PWP for the benefit of my darling isagel...but there's not much characterization going on there. Like, way less than I thought at the time. It's just dirty.

Again, with the ETA: If you didn't watch Wonderfalls last night or last week and get all spazzy about it for yourself, take pity on those of us who are indeed giddy about it and give it a chance tonight. FOX 9PM/8PM Central.

Comments

And I'm really...

[astrea9562.livejournal.com]

...rather glad you're here, be it fic, meta, silliness or anything in between that you write and share in here. Thanks for this.

I gave my history earlier today in paperbkryter 's LJ about how and when I came in to slash fandom and suffice it to say, since I came in at the beginning? I'm from the Stone-Age. *g*

And it sure as hell is nice to share this with more and more people.

*eg*

Re: And I'm really...

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Thank you!

You know, I really can see the potential for K/S slash, but it's just too big a part of my childhood fantasy life for me to be able to just let them be a couple on their own... I was 3 when the show first aired, and I watched with my father. My long-time resistance to K/S slash is probably also due to associating Kirk/Spock with spending time with my dad, who is very unslashable ;)

I love the idea of zines, especially now that there are so many high-quality printing options for people to use to assemble things at home. I love bookbinding and I have a vague project in mind for a zine-like thing that would be really an art book, but it's back-burnered for the time being.

And it sure as hell is nice to share this with more and more people.

It's amazing, actually. I'm well into my second year of being on LJ, so I've been involved in fandom for a bit longer than two years. It's still quite new in some ways. Ah...a hobby that combines writing, porn, m/m angsty love, art, and meeting like-minded people. It's pretty much perfect.

[twigged.livejournal.com]

OMG, that moment one discovers Teh Gay Pr0n for themselves is so, so beautiful. I, too, had the vague mental connection between Star Trek and slash. I know that Star Trek was where it originated, and it was a more widespread phenomenon, but it was all theory, you know? I had no idea that it existed A) in such large quantities, and B) for shows/media that I might have an actual interest in. And, really, it didn't occur to me that it would be something I'd find hot, strange as that now seems.

I was a TWoP regular for YEARS (for the recaps) before I ever participated in forums, and then it was the Farscape forum only, and there wasn't any discussion that I can recall about fanfic. I watched Roswell during the S1 run of SV, and it was the week after that series finale, when I had the SV season finale on my television, and at my back, while I cruised TWoP, that I decided to randomly check out the SV forums. I wasn't even watching the show!

The first thread I checked out was Homoeroticism, Yay! and everyone was so funny and clever and creative I was instantly hooked. That night I read my first fanfic, Consolation by andariell (I think she's the author of that one) and was all Guh!!!! OMG, GUH!!!!

I gorged on Clex porn for a week before I ever saw an episode. The first few months, actually, I was consumed with a desire for porn. And then the RPG'ing started up in Anvil Falls, and I've been a fandom junkie ever since. Wheee!!!

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

It seems like a lot of people knew about K/S slash but were just not interested and thought, like us, that it was kind of isolated to a particular group of Trekkie whackjobs :)

But maybe you just need to discover your trigger pair. Clark and Lex. I mean, come on: they're so pretty and the pilot was so damn gay! I couldn't believe it was airing it was so gay and blatant and GAY!!!!! But since I knew they'd never kiss onscreen, it wasn't something I paid a lot of attention to watching until after I started reading the recaps. Because, while we'll never get that onscreen kiss we do really deserve to see, having the company of dozens of others who want it just as bad as we do is a strange kind of achy fun. I don't even need fic to get angst--I just need a couple of SV fen to moon around with.

I definitely have a hard time getting into the porn if I don't know what the guys look like, though. And there's certain fandoms where, although the guys are technically not unattractive, I just don't get excited about the idea of them being sexual with anyone. I might be missing out on good fic for that reason, but I really do need to think the actors (or, now, drawings) are hot before I can read the stories and fully enjoy them.

How many fandoms are you dabbling in now, anyway?

[twigged.livejournal.com]

But maybe you just need to discover your trigger pair. Clark and Lex. I mean, come on: they're so pretty and the pilot was so damn gay! I couldn't believe it was airing it was so gay and blatant and GAY!!!!!

They definitely triggered me. I hadn't seen an episode, but at that time everyone on TWoP was literally high with all the S1 goodness, and examples of Teh Gay abounded. The first night I saw what remains one of my favorite manips of them, also. So, I was able to jump right in.

You know I like reading in other fandoms, and even though my muses are burnt out, the Clex is still It for me. I had brief infatuations with X-Files and Popslash, but I'm completely over them, and Harry Potter is the only other fandom I read or write in now. HP has some definite staying power, though.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

Eep! I need to read your HP thing. I will, tonight.

Question: When you write Harry, are you picturing Daniel Radcliffe? He's a nice enough looking boy, but he's such a boy and so asexual in my eyes. He's a kid, basically, and I associate that with actual kids I know, which makes it unsexy. Also, the Draco kid--Tom Felton? I think he's almost ugly, so I don't like picturing him at all. I like your icon boys, but I have a hard time seeing them vs. the actors from the movies. The books gave me no strong mental impressions, so I have really taken the actors as being the definitive faces for the characters.

I know I'm missing lots of good fic, but I just have so many HP issues, though I liked the other thing of yours I read. And, as I say, I'll read the newest one because it's you.

[twigged.livejournal.com]

Yes, read my HP thing!! I knew being me had to carry some weight with you. *preens*

And HELL NO (!!!) I'm not picturing Daniel Radcliff. Blech. He is SO not Harry in my mind. Harry's more malnourished and maladjusted, and with messier hair. And hot, of course. Really, the boys in my icon have pretty much become H/D for me, especially the Draco figure. I like the Harry one from this drawing better.

[littlebad.livejournal.com]

Being mostly a lurker and having only once written in my LJ I'm not really part of this community as such, but it certainly feels like it.

I think reading peoples LJs and comments has enriched my enjoyment of fanfiction as it has stopped it from becoming too insular and secluded an occupation. There was a 'rant' in response to someone LJs post today which I followed and found that those LJers I read regularly add something to my life.

I've read slash fiction since finding Buffy & Angel fic, then Sentinel and finally SV Clex which currently is my favourite. I came across fanfiction at school when I found a handmade StarTrek novel written by a student in the library, this was eons before the internet! In fact thinking about it if I had had the internet then and contact with the kind of people I've since come across on LJ I wouldn't have felt so isolated and ended up so bitter & twisted!!

Oh well better get back to my spreadsheet and do some work, though will have to take a porn break before too long no doubt!

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

I think reading peoples LJs and comments has enriched my enjoyment of fanfiction as it has stopped it from becoming too insular and secluded an occupation.

I totally agree. I felt that I was part of things on TWoP long before I posted a word in the SV forums, if only because I had something that was so basic to who I am in common with these people. As it turns out, of course, just because I like the same porn as someone else doesn't mean we share anything else, but it's somehow more intimate than finding out someone else likes the same flavor of ice cream or wears the same size shoes ;)

I came across fanfiction at school when I found a handmade StarTrek novel written by a student in the library, this was eons before the internet! In fact thinking about it if I had had the internet then and contact with the kind of people I've since come across on LJ I wouldn't have felt so isolated and ended up so bitter & twisted!!

Heh. I wish I'd known about this when I was younger. I was online for about 10 years (!!!!!) before I discovered TWoP and everything else. I had a few hobby-related immersions in online communities, but nothing remotely resembling what has happened in my life with message boards and LJ. Part of it is improving technologies, of course, but I wonder sometimes if the subject around which we gather makes a difference, too. This is much more social, whereas previous online things were about acquiring various items that I collected and not-really-bonding over that.

You speak of isolation, and I know I spent a lot of time thinking that I was inherently unlikeable and damaged before fandom because of all the evidence that my interests were "weird." These days, however, I'm seeing little evidence that this is the case.

So, basically: Yay, fandom!

[smallcondo.livejournal.com]

It's funny how many fandom stories are so similar. Who knew that a little show and gay porn could be so life altering?

it's always worth it to try to smooth things out because this *vague, hand-waving, all-encompassing gesture* is worth it.

Word.

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

We are legion, us man-on-man porn-loving girls, but we'd never have known if it weren't for the internet and a few key TV shows.

I find it fascinating how the larger culture still has a hard time acknowledging that women have complex sexuality (i.e., the confusion the QaF cast and crew have over women loving the show). Most of the people I know here on LJ don't seem to be particularly brazen or blatant about their sexuality or interests in their everyday lives, but there are some dirty, dirty minds under those relatively "conventional" exteriors...

I think that might be part of what makes me more willing than I might otherwise be when it comes to trying to get along, right wrongs, etc. I feel like the people I know through fandom are a little braver and a little brighter than non-fannish people, and I want to stay connected with that.

[fairy-tale-echo.livejournal.com]

Awww, I love when people start sharing this story! :D Mine is actually really similar to yours, I think a lot of us who like the CLex and are present on LJ share bits and pieces of it. Isn't that comforting?

I already rambled out my slash story many moons ago, You Know, This Story Would Be A Lot Better If Those Two Guys Were Making Out... but for me, the gateway into it was, actually, something non-fandom-ish, a book by E.Lynn Harris called Invisible Life which got me VERY MUCH into the place that saw and appreciated man-on-man-lovin'...

And once Smallville EASILY popped my slashdom cherry (seriously, from the pilot Lex is all over him.) I rolled into other fandoms seeing it.

It's been...interesting and fun and different and...best of all, it's brought me to more fantastic fan-fic and commentary and especially talented, gracious, intelligent fen...like you! :D

[anitac588.livejournal.com]

Heh, after reading your and smallcondo's story I have to ask for how many slashers can TwoP take credit? B/c I surfed to Smallville recaps from West Wing, after Omar G did one recap instead of Deborah. That got the ball rolling.

[isagel.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with "just dirty", love. *g*

It always seems to me like there's a core group of SV fans who found fandom via TWoP, and as someone who has a history with earlier fandoms where mailing lists were the only basis for a community, that strikes me as new-fangled and strange. ;) Though I'm so happy you lovely people found your way to the world of slashiness, cause lord knows what we would do without you. *hugs her Jed* Yes, I'm sick and maudlin, why do you ask. *g*

[scribblinlenore.livejournal.com]

Hee! It's not every day that I get called patient. But, you know, I do have to do something to make up for being dirty. *g*