how did I get here?

[oiran]

smallcondo posted her slash discovery story in partial response to scribblinlenore's incredible patience with her stupid quasi-newbie quasi-flamer here. You know, Lenore mentions that this person has some sort of biz-related signature block, so presumably she's an employed adult, but she sure as hell reads like an idiot child. I would have ignored her. Lenore is a nicer lady than me.

It did get me thinking, though, about when all the pieces fell into place for me. It's not just finding slash fanfic, but finding fandom, and finding out that I'm actually a kind of pervert that is pretty common, though I may be just a bit more vocal about it. I'm pretty sure I've posted this stuff in the past, but I do love to hear myself type, so I'm posting yet another version of the How I Found Slash story.

Realizing you always knew about slash by the time you discovered it:

Years and years ago--maybe 10 or so--I heard about slash in the context of Kirk/Spock, which seemed laughable to me at the time. I watched the show when it first aired. I was a toddler, really, and I had rudimentary crushes on both Kirk and Spock. I wanted a big hairdo and a filmy outfit so that I could attract Federation spacemen, and I had proto-sexual fantasies about my future with Spock and Kirk at either hand, Speed Racer picking up their slack, and Jack Wild being my secret love. And they could kiss each other, too. I was okay with that, totally. But you understand, perhaps, why I thought the idea of Kirk/Spock without a /jed/ component was ludicrous. I also was under the impression that this was just some crazy Trekkie thing; it was not at all clear that the phenomenon crossed over into other shows. It even came back to mind for me because at about the same time as I started being interested in Smallville, there was this crazy Klingon-speaking lady in full Klingon garb who I would always run into at fabric stories or bead stores, and she always wanted to talk to me and tell me how to say random shit in Klingon. I remembered about the Kirk/Spock stuff and was tempted to ask her about it, but then I thought she'd think we were friends and she'd plague me forever and ever, amen.

Is the word "fandom" even in the dictionary? I'd never heard it, and I didn't really understand what people meant when they used the phrase. I was active on the TWoP Sopranos board, as well as a few intense months of mocking Trading Spaces before I was led by a fellow Sopranos forum members' link to something Smallvillian. I was watching the show halfheartedly (pretty, but mostly dumb was my S1 conclusion) until I started reading recaps. The recaps were so hysterical, and then the forums were hysterical. Everyone seemed so smart, which I hadn't expected because, well, the show is…lacking sometimes. I was actually more intimidated by the Smallville posters--the in-jokes and camaraderie--than I was at the other forums, so I lurked awhile before posting. I just played in the general, actor and episode threads for months. I didn't even know there was a fanfic thread; I didn't explore, didn't even realize I could because I was so, well, richly rewarded right where I was. I was introduced the "fandom" concept there, and I actually did think that the TWoP boards were IT; that those threads and posters were all that there was to Smallville fandom.

If you know those boards, you know that there were GAYLE awards given out for the GAYest Look of the Episode and about 20 other silly acronyms. I started seeing references to LJ and actually thought it was just another of the myriad GAYLEs, though I was confused by the references to "my LJ" instead of just LJ.

So, so slow on the uptake…did anyone suspect how dimly my bulb shines? I finally followed a link from TWoP to an LJ post. I really don't remember whose it was or what it was--story, meta, whatever--because I found the LJ interface too confusing to follow. I didn't understand what I was looking at, especially since I was so used to the forums and the strict TWoP thread-starting rules (scary and unspoken as they are).

Months and months go by. I then found the fanfic thread at TWoP (yes, this is a long story--you don't have to read it, you know) and a link to a story on SSA. I have massive issues with the story, and I did at the time, but it is PORN, and it's yummy in that aspect, and I was rather gobsmacked afterward. I mean, WOW: a girl wrote porn about guys for (mostly) other girls. And it's just right there for anyone to read, for free. And then I figured out that there were literally hundreds of stories on the archive, and that most authors had their own websites, too, and I gorged myself until my skin buzzed and I walked around with a dazed expression and shaky hands for about a week.

My real-life hag behavior, my past history of writing original fic about a thinly-veiled me having filthy sex with two guys at the same time, my love of girlie-looking guys, my own usually-hopeless interest in other women, and my habit of trying to get same-gendered people to kiss when I'm drunk stopped seeming random or quirky and began to seem like a solid kink (above and beyond "I'm bisexual"), especially when I had evidence of so many other women thinking/feeling/behaving close to the same. Solid in the sense of defined, with parameters and other adherents. Solid in the sense, perhaps, of defensibly "normal" behavior. Yay! If I'm a freak, I can point to a few hundred others…and after a little time, it turns into a few thousand others in all slashy fandoms, who are all as freaky as me. And happy and harmless.

Aside: In case it isn't obvious, I've always been fascinated with porn and the sex industry, though I've never worked in the industry in any capacity. I think I like the sociological aspects as much or more than the actual products, per se. Though, for the record, the various "rabbit" toys of the world are a lot of fun. And no, that's not why Rhi calls me Rabbit, although maybe now it is.

So, backtrack: I wanted an LJ because it seemed like that was where SV fandom was emigrating to, though I wasn't sure what I'd do with it. It didn't occur to me to ask anyone for a code. I didn't think I knew anyone well enough for them to offer one if I asked, and I didn't want to feel like a tool, so I ended up buying myself some LJ time. And now here I am.

I don't know that I make it clear often enough, but fandom, slash, and Smallville have changed my life for the better. If being part of this means that I have to disagree or even quarrel with people from time to time, get my feelings hurt, or unintentionally hurt others, it's always worth it to try to smooth things out because this *vague, hand-waving, all-encompassing gesture* is worth it.

~~~

Rhea County: I am glad there seems to be good news coming from this far corner of the state that I now call home. I am not a native, and I have only mean things to say about here vs. the Far Superior State I Grew Up In when stuff like this happens. But it's not like that everywhere here, really. I'm even liking it most days, though I'm holding onto a foolish belief that Rhi will come back from Seattle in complete agreement that it is a better place in every possible way. She totally won't think that; this is her home, just like that is mine.

Yaoi: These online storage people are morons. They have my money. I just want to see Ai no Kusabi, dammit! Okay, so now my account is activated. Now I am just at the mercy of another fan's schedule and her understanding of the importance of my getting the porn as soon as possible. I am crossing my fingers...

ETA: Oh, and I forgot this: I just wanted to say, in light of a few discussions re: characterization I've had lately, I reread my own story, Biological Imperative, which admittedly was just a longish PWP for the benefit of my darling isagel...but there's not much characterization going on there. Like, way less than I thought at the time. It's just dirty.

Again, with the ETA: If you didn't watch Wonderfalls last night or last week and get all spazzy about it for yourself, take pity on those of us who are indeed giddy about it and give it a chance tonight. FOX 9PM/8PM Central.

Comments

Re: And I'm really...

[velvetglove.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Thank you!

You know, I really can see the potential for K/S slash, but it's just too big a part of my childhood fantasy life for me to be able to just let them be a couple on their own... I was 3 when the show first aired, and I watched with my father. My long-time resistance to K/S slash is probably also due to associating Kirk/Spock with spending time with my dad, who is very unslashable ;)

I love the idea of zines, especially now that there are so many high-quality printing options for people to use to assemble things at home. I love bookbinding and I have a vague project in mind for a zine-like thing that would be really an art book, but it's back-burnered for the time being.

And it sure as hell is nice to share this with more and more people.

It's amazing, actually. I'm well into my second year of being on LJ, so I've been involved in fandom for a bit longer than two years. It's still quite new in some ways. Ah...a hobby that combines writing, porn, m/m angsty love, art, and meeting like-minded people. It's pretty much perfect.